Sex Ed: How Your Upbringing Can Effect Your Sexuality As An Adult
Sex isn’t something you just start doing at whatever age and you learn from there. No no, you’ve learned about how to relate to sex and your sexuality since the time you were a child. We are sexual beings from the time we were born until the time we die, with latent periods throughout. To clarify, when we say you are a sexual being does not mean you experience sexuality in the way everyone does - even asexual people are sexual people - they have their own relationship with sexuality like anyone else, even if that includes not experiencing much to any sexual attraction, desire, or feelings to others or themselves.
You have learned from a young child what sex means and how it should be - and not always necessarily for the best. We may learn from our family that sex is something that you only do with one partner, once you’re married, and talking about it with anyone else is off limits; we may learn that sex should only be with someone of the “opposite” gender, it should only be in certain ways, such as penetrative vaginal sex, and in certain positions or places (only in the bedroom with the doors closed and lights off!). We are given messages that being sexual with ourselves or multiple people is wrong, either overly (“don’t be a slut!”) or covertly (aka through hidden messages and meanings in the way we say or don’t say certain things). We receive messages just as much from what we don’t hear our parents or others say as from we do hear them say.
Why does it matter? because you are who you are today, as a sexual person, from everything you ever heard, or didn’t hear, the looks, facial expressions, read, and so on from your parents, your siblings, family, friends, teachers, church, coaches, books, shows, movies, advertisements, and basically everything else. You did not just land here with the beliefs you have today from scratch, you are not a blank slate that begins to build after the first time you have a sexual experience, either with yourself or a partner. You have written this story of who you are, what sex means and should mean every day of your life since you can remember.
So, how do you start this process, where do you start unpacking… well, here we go. Let’s start!
Let’s think about your earliest memories of sex - from the time you were born and through childhood.
When was the first time you heard about sex? were you curious about it? how did you hear about sex? how did the other person or people respond to the conversation?
Did you ever engage in sexual play as a child? (totally NORMAL, fyi! so give yourself permission to finally engage with this if you did). Who was it with? how did they respond? If someone ever found out, how did they react?
Did you ever see or hear anyone engage in sexual activity, either in real life or on TV? How did you respond? If you told someone, how did they respond?
2. Puberty, puberty, puberty - after many years of sexual “latency”, sex becomes our WORLD as we dive into puberty and adolescence.
When did you first see porn? What was your response? did you tell anyone about it?
Did you go seeking porn or did you stumble upon it? What type of content did you find or see? How did you feel?
Did you ever masturbate? how? with what? where? how did you feel about it? did you tell anyone, and if so, how did they respond?
Did you engage with anyone else sexually at this time? In what ways? how did you feel? did you ever tell anyone?
Did you get the sex talk? how did that go? who taught it to you and what was the message you received?
Did your family talk about sex? How did they talk about it? What did they say?
3. More food for thought - more times to consider:
What do you consider as significant sexual experiences in your life so far?
Did you ever see, do, or engage with something or someone that you feel bad about? What brings up those feelings?
This is just the start! Keep a journal and write it out - the first part of uncovering your sexuality is knowing what messages you’ve learned and taken in so you can keep what feels good and start to challenge and unlearn some of the messages you want gone. Need some help and support through this process? Sex therapy is a great way to unpack these topics and begin to learn more about who you are as a sexual person. Contact us today for personalized one on one sessions with a counsellor and sex therapist in Vancouver today!