Finding Pleasure: how tapping into everyday pleasure is your way back to the body
As a sex therapist, clients of all genders, ages, and walks of life come to ask me many questions. By far, some of the most common questions are: how do I feel more desire? how can I get in the mood more often? how do I figure out what I like? These questions most often come from women, who have been told their entire life to shut off and disconnect from their sexuality and sensuality and that “good girls don’t”, while also being told from the other part that they need to be sexy in order to keep their partners happy, they should be wild in bed, and so on. What a confusing message!
No wonder many women are left feeling completely disconnected from their sexuality, when the message is “do but don’t”. The body craves what it likes, what feels good to it - except, if the message you’re receiving is also a negative one, you begin to tense, to disconnect from what feels good. Soon enough, you have no idea what you want, what you like, and how to find that out. And then you find yourself here, questioning how to find desire, how to find pleasure, when your body is disconnected and you are in your head having to decide what is good or bad, rather than what FEELS good at a body level.
As you sit and question how to feel sexual in your body and how to feel confident in what you want, I often pose another question:
What creates pleasure in your body?
This question stumps many. “What does that mean? …Are we talking about sexual pleasure, like how I get off?”. And so I repeat the question, only this time, I add - if we define pleasure as any sensation that occurs in the body that feels good and we crave more of, what creates pleasure in your body?
Most clients sit and look at me for a bit, then look away and think. Sometimes I hear, well “I like massages”. or “bubble baths”. Most of the time, I hear this: I don’t know.
Ah yes, well of course you don’t! You have had to shut off your body in order to go through every day life, in order to deal with stress, and in order to get through the world. You cannot possibly begin to feel and be present and find what you like and enjoy sex, if you can’t experience pleasure outside of sex. So this is where we start, this is what I invite you to consider. I invite you to consider the question as well.
What creates pleasure in your body?
I want you to think of your life, as it is now. I want you to think of the every day experiences you may have that create pleasure. I want you to think outside of the box. I don’t mean sexual pleasure, I just mean pleasure. Here are some examples I give to clients to get them thinking…
moisturizing your body after a bath or shower
dancing to your favourite music when you’re home alone
grazing the skin on your arms or collarbone or shoulders with your fingertips
singing along to your favourite song
preparing a meal
exercising and moving your body
eating a piece of delicious dark chocolate (or anything you love!)
curling up under a warm blanket wearing fuzzy socks
This is pleasure.
So here’s your challenge: buy yourself a beautiful small journal. It doesn’t have to be big. Every night, ask yourself, how did I experience pleasure today? Jot them down. List also how that pleasure felt in your body, how you knew it was a pleasurable experience. If you can name 3, great! If you are struggling to come up with something, then offer yourself this question instead…how do I want to experience pleasure tomorrow? I can promise, that before you can even realize, you’ll be creating more and more moments of pleasure every single day without having to try, and you’ll soon realize how alive your body now feels.
Need some extra support? Our registered clinical counsellors and sex therapists are here to help! At Allura Sex Therapy Centre, sexuality is our one (and really only!) expertise - if you’re needing help finding pleasure in your body, or reconnecting with desire, contact us today for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
Or, check out www.thevirtualsextherapist.com for free resources and upcoming masterclasses and programs to improve your sexual confidence, sexual desire, and transform your sex life into the one you deserve!