Spice up your life: Expanding your coupled sexual repertoire
After years in a long-term relationship, I commonly hear that sex has become monotonous and lack-luster. Couples feel like they resort to doing the same activities and routine when it comes to sex because it’s easier and at that point, despite having more connection than ever, the sex has dwindled down. Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, explains how eroticism and long-term relationships don’t really go hand-in-hand in an odd paradox that shocks most people and most of my clients. In fact, as connection increases and we have greater safety, there are less questions of “will they leave me?” or “will they cheat on me?”. With safety requires less effort of trying to sexually perform and keep our partner in that way, so eroticism disappears and we have safety and comfort and…that’s about it.
So, how do we bring it back? Well, that’s a bit more of a complicated question than this post will answer. Instead, let’s talk about trying new things with our partners. A part of increasing sexual connection is trying new things with our partners, creating uncertainty which is one of the biggest fuels for eroticism. As we add fuel, that fire can start to grow bigger and bigger – this activity may be a small spark in the larger goal of lighting a proper fire but a spark is needed to get the fire going!
Where do you start?
1. Check out porn. I like to call porn entertainment, not education. However, it can be inspirational. When we have had the same routine during sex, we forget what else is out there. Watching different activities in porn, make note of what comes up for you during different activities and positions. You don’t need to recreate that exact scene (unless you do!) but get some ideas and see what fantasies build from it!
2. Fantasies. Fantasies don’t always have to be something you do and doesn’t necessarily mean you need to do it. However, your fantasies may give you ideas of what you may want to try or even bring up with your partner to give it a go.
3. Chat with friends. Have a chat with some of your friends about activities they’ve tried during sex to get some ideas; maybe they’ve done a position or an activity that you’ve never even thought of and it peaks your interest! Nothing else, take it as a bonding activity with your friends.
4. Sex games. There are some great sex games out there that aren’t completely cheesy. Take a look around, check out your local sex toy stores and see what gets you excited!
With this, I’m going to introduce you to an activity to try with your partner. While the actual making of the list is important information, the most important and effective part of this exercise is that it creates fun in couples. When couples in my office have done this and we discuss it, the most common reaction I see is laughter and giggling as they discovered a new way to talk about sex that is outside of their routine. The spark is starting to rekindle and sex is fun for the first time in a long time. The activity is called Yes/No/Maybe, originally from Scarleteen. With your partner, go through the list and decide what you are willing to try (yes), absolutely not willing to try (no), or are undecided on but are open to trying (Maybe). As you go through each activity, stop at the ones that are a yes and describe to your partner what makes you willing to try it out! These activities are meant for couples of different genders and styles, some activities you feel may not apply to you – skip through it if you don’t. If not prompted, discuss if you’d like to receive, give, or both. After completed, have a look at what you overlap on and what you both have said yes or maybe to – you have a new list of things to try!
I wanna hear how this goes! Send me an email and let me know. Need further help to expand your sexual repertoire and revive that eroticism? Contact me today for a free 15-minute consultation!